May Week 4: Making a Hamburger (no calories!)

As we head to the end of May, I want to explore one last important aspect of bringing more support for your weight mastery into your life. We have looked at ways to support ourselves and learned about assembling our support team from people in our lives who want to give us a hand.  But what about those who seem to sabotage us, either consciously or unconsciously?  How do we shift them from being a saboteur into a support for us as well.

The Hamburger Technique

We have to understand that most people behave out of habit in their relationships. If someone isn’t supporting you, it usually isn’t from being mean, just unconscious and unaware. Maybe even deep down, they think their actions will bring them closer to you (like bringing you donuts — what a nice gesture — aren’t I generous??) without them knowing how much it works against your deeper goals.

I want to teach you a great technique that works well for SHIFTING a saboteur into a supporter called the HAMBURGER TECHNIQUE.  It helps because it allows us to both ask for what we need while acknowledging the saboteur, instead of putting them on the defensive. This will go a long way to their actually “hearing you” and agreeing to make a change.

STEP 1: Start with the soft bun

The brilliance of this simple concept is that you are first acknowledging the person (the soft warm bun approach) telling them how much they mean to you and appreciating how generous they are etc.  I don’t mean to lie or lay it on thick, I mean to open your heart and honestly acknowledge what you appreciate about this person and what value they bring to your life!

Example:  “Honey, you are such a great husband and I love the time we spend together.  You really always are looking out for me and have my best interests at heart and that makes me feel so loved.”

By approaching them in this open manner,  it keeps them from entering into defensive fight or flight mode and fighting with you or shutting down before you even ask for what you need.  If you “grease the wheel” first then you are much more likely to get and open to hear your request.

STEP 2: The Meaty Middle

This is where you ask the person for the support or change that you need to make from them.

Here are some pointers to make it go smoothly:

• Let them know that the change you need is for you. Keep it on your side of the street.
• Be specificabout how they can help you.
• Offer feed forward on how the changed behavior might look
   

NOT SHIFTED REQUEST: “Stop bringing me donuts. You are tempting me and ruining my weight loss!”
SHIFTED: “Honey, I know you love to bring me donuts Saturday morning. I so appreciate that you want to give me a weekend treat.  The problem is when you bring them I end up feeling bad and that makes me eat more.  Maybe you can either have a donut outside the house and bring me something else like berries or fruit or just keep the donuts out of the kitchen and out of my eyesight? 

Can you see that instead of placing blame with them you are actually inviting them in to help you?

STEP 3: Finish with a Soft Bun

People do love to make a difference in our lives and often food is bought with the idea that it is a gift or a treat.  Let people know how much you appreciate their generosity of spirit and offer alternative ways they can show their love.  People tend to get their feelings hurt if they feel like you are rejecting their love, i.e. their gift.  Give them kudos for the effort and keep the love towards them flowing. Offer them new ideas to build your relationship and not shutting down their love.

EXAMPLE: "You are such a generous man and I know you just want to love me and I love you for that.  You know what would be great, if our treat for the weekend would be to take a walk together after breakfast. That would mean so much to me and would be great time for us to spend together."

I use this hamburger technique a lot in my life. Even twenty years into my weight mastery, I am still training people how to help me stay healthy. The more you make these valuable hamburgers the easier it gets. Just hold the fries, okay?